“Life is never so bad it can’t get a little bit worse.”

–Calvin and Hobbes

Life has felt so stressful lately – there is so much for me to do. Ethan and his girlfriend (a woman who once told me I was “her best friend ever”) announced they are having a baby, which leaves me scrambling to GET OUT (you have to imagine a mean pointy hand here).

My daughter tells me they laugh together about me in front of my children, and how hard my life will be now, because they will have everything. People can say what they want about divorce just being like such-and-such, and everyone has their side to the story, but I know what evil I am facing here – the kind that wants to take everything away and watch me and my children suffer and struggle.

It’s so hard sometimes, and for anyone else in this situation, I have some advice: This is a spiritual battle with real forces of Evil. Take it seriously and don’t listen to people looking in on the outside. They will say really dumb things to you trying to be positive and fair and not realize it. They are ignorant and unaware of the reality. Just smile and nod and be polite – they mean well. You know the truth. You must do whatever you can to keep yourself pure and clean from this kind of evil and hatefulness directed towards you – sage yourself, clear yourself, pray, meditate, keep your mind focused and clear and on positive things, call in the help of the ancestors, of the divine, seek healing, whatever brings you hope. It’s hard because it’s very aggressive and will stick to you. Don’t let yourself get sucked down into the spite and hate and greed. It’s a real attack, having this kind of energy directed towards you. In shamanic traditions, this kind of thing can cause all sorts of illnesses and accidents and problems. It is to be taken very seriously. This is the true battle, but not with these low and grasping people. Forget about them – they don’t matter in the end. Let them fall away, back into the abyss. The real things to hold on to are Hope, Faith, and Love.

I deeply wish I had been able to be gone by February, but rebuilding just a scattered, bare-bones frame of the past fifteen years of my life wasn’t possible in only a few months. We have this awful pattern in my family where the women always take on all the responsibility, but get no resources, and I am dimly aware of perpetuating this as I struggle now, but it’s too much to think about, I can’t think about it, all I can do is struggle forward.

Building a new homestead, filling out divorce papers myself, single-mothering two daughters, packing up my stuff and moving, and solo dissolving/taking care of a homestead an hour drive away from the new one is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When I’m standing out at my new home, looking over the green grass and the work I’ve already accomplished, I feel so inspired, but it is so much hard, physical work, I get exhausted and I feel so crushed down by just being alive. Sometimes I feel like I’m dying in childbirth, struggling to create something but not having the resources to do it. I guess I had imagined Ethan would be more interested in lending a hand with our shared responsibilities so we could get this wrapped up faster when I came up with the goal of February, but now I’ll be happy if I can make it out in June. Actually, I’ll be happy if I can just make it out without dying of exhaustion.

I had so much trouble back in March and April finding enough help, or even just people who will show up and work (for money, of course). I finally got a team of local ex-convicts here who show up and help. They might have a lot of wild stories involving parole officers and have crazy tattoos all over, but they are doing great work, are fun to talk to, and are so respectful and nice to me. I don’t think any of them are dangerous, and they always cheer me up when I’m out there working with them. It’s hard to feel down with my life when there’s someone else right there who has had a thousand more difficulties than I have, talking and making jokes. At one point I was driving them all back to downtown Hawthorne, while they joked about who got to sit next to the “Boss Lady”, and I looked at my car full of ex-cons, and wondered, How did I to this place in my life?

Things are moving along here at last- I feel like I’ve gotten clarity after a long struggle. Wish me luck – I need it!