They went on, and farther on, and they waded through rivers above the knee, and they saw neither sun nor moon, but they heard the roaring of the sea.…

It was mirk, mirk night, there was no starlight, and they waded through red blood up to the knee, for all the blood that’s shed on earth runs through the springs of that country.….

At last they reached a garden green, and she pulled an apple from a tree…

(From Thomas the Rhymer)

This past summer has felt like a long, strange journey. I have found myself in unimaginable places and situations, like the clear and stony shores of the blue, blue Aegean, and then back again to the moldy, messy place where I still have to sleep and care for my animals, but which isn’t mine and where I am not welcome.

I always wait to write here, until I have struggled with something and have overcome it, but I have realized that I will be stuck here, in the jaws of this thing, for a long time still.

The things that I am facing feel sometimes like some dark labyrinth where I wander, lost, thinking at times I have found the right direction, and something that appeared obscurely like a friend or a clear passage becomes only yet another monster to face, or another blank wall blocking my way.

Other times, I feel like I am on a journey to somewhere that doesn’t exist, facing a mountain that cannot be climbed, scrambling at the edge of a cliff – equal parts of me wanting to cling on and not give up and at the same time feeling the pang of desire to let go and embrace the awful plunge.

Even now I am still trapped in the ogres’s twisted castle. And it is not just the leaving and the long, hard work to rebuild – it is also facing the enemy of betrayal, and people I thought were my friends and family working against me and looking in delight at my struggle.

I knew in my heart when I began on this dark journey that losing everything was the price for freedom and dignity. And although it is a high price, it is good to ask yourself – even if you are worth nothing to someone else, what is the price of for yourself? What does your freedom cost?

I am walking a shadowy road full of endings and death and final goodbyes. It is that feeling when you have blood and guts on your hands, your arms, and your face, but you have prepared yourself against the starving winter, and that is your only consolation – your power to endure in the face of terrible hardship. It is a difficult journey to the underworld, and you know you may never return, and all you have are half-forgotten symbols of strength to guard you, and memories of the sweetness and light times above ground that seem so far away.

Like the little seeds in the ground, I too long for the warmth and light and yet still I must descend into some cold, unknowing abyss that swallows me up. It is a lonely road, and although I have come to meet so many wonderful people in the time span of the months of this year who have offered me so much, ultimately my journey lies alone, like the journey of life and death.

My garden has not forgotten me yet – the plants I planted before I walked away for the summer left me so many beautiful pumpkins lying among the tall, woody weeds. This plant is my Fairy Godmother Plant – she never forgets me, and always looks over me and surprises me with gifts. I am bringing these seeds with me to bless my new garden I am seeking.

ROASTED BUTTERNUT SQUASH WITH PEANUT SATAY SAUCE

1 good-sized butternut squash, or two smaller ones

1 cup peanut butter

1/2 cup shoyu or tamari

1 Tablespoon grated fresh ginger

1/4 cup-1/3 cup honey (to taste)

1 garlic chive or scallion, sliced, for garnish

1. Cut the pumpkin in half and save the seeds. Roast until soft and fully cooked and peel off the skin.
2. Mix the peanut butter, honey, grated ginger, and soy sauce into a creamy paste.
3. spread over the roasted pumpkin.
4. To serve, sprinkle with chopped garlic chives and slice.

Wishing you a beautiful autumn!