I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the return of the light, and what it means to wait in darkness, closed in, caught in long moments of obscurity, almost forgetting that there was anything but stagnant midnight, longing for and trying to believe in the first ray of morning.
I have been trying to sleep through all the long nights of this season, and the real night feels to me like a sweet relief and blessing, where i can lay still and see the milky moonlight slowly passing over the rafters and blink at the points of starlight gleaming through the high-up branches. I feel happy in a physical way when i wake up from these long nights, but i still have felt a different kind of darkness hovering over me.
The past two years have been hard for me. We had a lot of changes with friends moving away and dying, Ethan’s career change, etc. But one thing that has still troubled me was a very bad interaction with a friend that happened.
I had first met them more than 20 years back when we were both kids. Getting back in touch again three years ago, we instantly had a connection. Over a few months we grew closer and closer, and l felt i had met a kindred spirit and poured my heart into our friendship.
It turned out very complicated and nasty however. In the end, after we mutually agreed to go our separate ways, they intentionally avoided returning some books i had lent, and blocked me when i wrote telling them they were welcome to keep the books, but could they please just send along the title of an obscure German book I had lent them so i could find it again. Really this was not the worst thing this person did, but it was an unpleasant goodbye to be left with.
I like to see the best in people. I like to think that you live a better life when you act from a place of love and compassion, but in this circumstance i found i was very much the loser, the sucker who sympathized with and trusted someone ugly and let them kick me down in ways that really hurt and made me feel ugly too.
In the end i have had to admit that my reward was simply knowing that i did what was kind and true and heartfelt and polite, yet I still was the one who lost in the situation.
I have sat with this and pulled it apart, tried new perspectives, and looked for lessons. In the end, it has remained a senseless, bad thing that happened, and meanwhile I hated that I was still sitting with this and thinking of this small and unpleasant person and the boarish things they said and did.
I still felt held prisoner by this struggle, i felt marked forever by it’s ugliness. It clouded my future, because i hesitated to step forward while i struggled with it. It darkened my days, because i felt somehow shut off by this experience, wanting it to just be done, over, gone.
It feels so much easier in the moment to try to forget, to hobble around as an incomplete person, to tell yourself you will just think positive thoughts while the hidden memories eat away inside, weighing you down, hurting like a thorn as you go limping along day to day, trying to smile, losing yourself in work, alone in the midst of friends, trying to find your way back to where you were.
For years i have thought i was struggling with this friendship, but i finally realized i have been struggling with denying the rejection, the shame, the crushing fear of connecting again, and unwelcome anger.
And that’s because I want so dearly to believe in the power of Goodness and Love and Generosity. I want to believe in the Light, even when i feel surrounded and consumed by anxious darkness.
This was about Faith, holding on to that small, stalwart flicker.
When i realized this, i finally could see that this struggle was so much more than this one unfortunate person. I knew I never wanted to be someone who is shut off from the goodness of the world, who can’t believe in or share kindness and love.
That was it for me, the moment i had been waiting for, that little tip in balance when everything changes.
The darkness cracked open, and suddenly the world seemed so much larger and open and filled with happiness.
Celebrating with chocolate. Wishing you a beautiful return of the light.
1/4 cup cocoa butter
1/2 cup butter, ghee or coconut oil
2 cups pecans, ground up finely in a food processor
2/3 cup cassava flour
1/2 cup arrowroot flour
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 T coconut flour
1/2 cup dried shredded coconut
2/3 cup coconut sugar or sucanat
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla
1. Prepare a casserole baking dish by lining with parchment paper.
2. Melt cocoa butter and butter/ghee/or coconut oil together and set aside.
3. Mix all dry ingredients together: ground pecans, cassava flour, arrowroot, cocoa powder, coconut flour, dried shredded coconut, sugar, salt, and baking powder.
4. In a separate bowl, beat eggs with vanilla and add the dry ingredients. Stir in the melted butters. Pour into baking dish and bake at 350F for 20-25 minutes.