The Truth

I was just looking through the blog archives for a specific picture, and realized what a crummy job I’ve been doing writing here.  I’m sorry, for myself and for whoever is even trying to read here.

The truth is, I hate being on the computer.  It wastes my time and leaves me feeling icky.

The truth is, I feel angry and depressed lately.  It’s not my personal life.  It’s things happening in the larger world that affect my personal life.  I hate the way the world is spiraling into a corporate dictatorship, and the general populace is so pathetically compliant, so easily tricked, so foolish and brainless and impressed with liars in white expert coats.

The truth is, I miss all my friends who have moved/are moving away this year.  Three different families.  Two more are seriously contemplating moving out-of-state.  It’s sad and lonely.  I have learned to be picky with who I am friends with – they are hard to replace.

The truth is, I was overwhelmed with planning home school around three children, and the fall/winter garden.  Doing something that requires intense focus, thinking, and organization around a two-year-old is incredibly frustrating.

The truth is, I am having a hard time getting back into my life after being gone….things are feeling stagnant, and at the same time like they must change.  An awful feeling.

The truth is, I haven’t really been very present in my family life, or farm life – physically I’m here, but my mind is elsewhere, thinking of other things – things that interest me, things that frighten me, things that make me angry.  I’ve been unanchored.  My hands have been idle from knitting and creating (my last knitting project feels interminable and discouraging – it was another attempt at tiny yarn, tiny needles, and throw in an uncertain pattern of my own design….disaster.)

I will try to do a little better here – especially when we start home school again in September.

(Oh, and the picture –  it’s a reminder to myself.  Things might seem shitty, but that’s what makes the garden so lovely and fruitful)

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