I have felt the darkness so close to me this season. Not darkness that blinds you while you struggle, but darkness that covers you like a soft blanket; peaceful, restful darkness – darkness with a gentle heartbeat, where you can rest and dream.

It was right after Thanksgiving I began feeling the quiet and the darkness decend, like a scatter of dry leaves. The days pass by so quickly now, with that magical white and sparkling light so particular to the solstice time, and as soon as the sun begins to fade, I feel an ache of intense exhaustion in my bones.

This year has been such a difficult year for many reasons, but an incredibly good year in many ways at the same time:

* I finished my Five Element Chinese Medicine study program that was intensely challenging on many levels, and I have begun a study of Orthobionomy with Kalpesh Patel. Both things have been long held ambitions, and I look forward to starting a healing work practice.

* I moved my garden from Roger’s property to my own farm, and as difficult as it was, I feel so grounded here. My new garden is so glorious and beautiful. I look around at my new farm, and I see how much has been built over the past two years, starting from empty land, and how much life is growing here now.

I have hired some guys here and there to help with very heavy or skilled work, but so much, especially the growing part, is all mine, and I am amazed to realize how much of the old farm was really my labor and love poured out.  I see how the magic and beauty of my old farm came through me, even though it was supposed to be a shared project. It feels so good to claim it, and have all the enjoyment of seeing this new farm being built and growing all myself.

* My mother has been very, very ill since March, and by some miracle is still alive  We are looking into hospice for her. I wish I could have been able to spend more time with her instead of always scrambling to survive, but the time we have spent together has been so incredibly sweet.

I helped her clean up her space over the summer, and we came across so many little things that brought back so many memories. We have sat and talked about our lives together. I will always treasure this year I’ve spent with my mother.

I do believe in miracles, and I am hoping for her, but I also feel like she’s being pulled by some purpose i can’t understand into the Otherworld. We never know what purpose we may have on the other side. 

* I got into a farmer’s market at last, and it has really opened up my world with the garden and my business. I’m having so much fun meeting people at the market, and offering fun samples for people to try different and unusual vegetables, and talking about them. This, too, has been a dream of mine for a long time – not just to have a market booth with perfect vegetables that look straight out of a Johnny’s magazine just like everyone else, but to slip in some really interesting vegetables – colorful things from long ago and far away, something different, and to tell their stories, and just bring a little bit of something new and interesting to people’s lives and plates.

* I have met and connected with so many amazing people this year, and so many strange and wonderful things have happened.

A few weeks ago, a woman I recognized but couldn’t place with a name approached me (I am not good with names! But i recognize faces). Two boys were with her.  I think she bought some oranges. The booth was so busy people were everywhere, and i was trying to not stand in the way, but also greet everyone and do what was needed. She handed me an envelope, and said it was a little holiday card.

I love little gestures like holiday cards, so i thanked her with a lot of gratitude in my heart. When I got home and opened the unsigned card, I realized she had made a very generous donation to my farm! I was stunned – I felt so bad i couldn’t place her name or knew if I could contact her to thank her. I feel like this has shifted everything for my little farm here.

I thought very deeply on what to use this incredible gift on – so far I have bought seeds (seems like the best place to invest, really!), some more fruit trees and berry bushes, mulch and manure, some infrastructure things and equipment that I had been trying to save up for, some new poultry, some medicines to try for my mother. I want to fully honor this incredible gift, and to have it radiate out and become a gift that can be shared with everyone.

So, in conclusion,  it feels like a year of vanilla ice cream and dark chocolate all swirled up together. I feel like this year has in so many ways made my dreams come true, but also I’ve been called to give up so much – all things that needed to be let go of, but it still hurt… the sacrifice, the empty, the unknown, the darkness, the void.

I just want to say here at the end of this post and end of this beautiful, difficult, intense year: Thank you.

Thank you to everyone here in my life, for reading my words, for your help and encouragement, for your friendship and companionship, for what you have shared,  for buying my vegetables and helping me stay alive, for magical donations, for understanding, for being here, for everything.

I am filled with gratitude for all the blessings I’ve received every day of my life, and especially this intense, difficult, incredible year.