I always feel a rebirth this time of year here in Florida – the winds come through and blow away the heavy, moldy, damp, boiling hot summer and bring fresh, cool mornings and bright fall skies. The crushing vines the ruled the garden wither back, and tender new things grow in neat rows in the fall garden.

I love the spicy, sweet, savory fall. The roselle, the radishes, the persimmons. The flavors are so bright and bold.

I have been so, so happy every golden, blessed day here.  There are so many healing herbs that have grown up in the space we cleared – smilax, St. John’s Wort, thistle, poke berry, skullcap, croton, and goldenrod.  When i walk through the dewy pasture in the morning, I breathe in their fragrances, and it feels like medicine for my soul.

I have been grounding myself and healing in the meantime.  Moving was so physically hard – for whole days during the process I barely ate or slept for several weeks. It left me feeling utterly depleted and exhausted, like the marrow of my bones had been sucked hollow and dry. I felt as thin as a piece of straw, still bravely leaning against the hurricane.  Day by day I am feeling life and energy coming back to me.

Life feels so full and exciting right now.  I am still working on building this little homestead – a process that will be ongoing…. because when is anything ever finished on a farm? And I have just been savoring and enjoying the wonderful feeling of freedom that brings me so much joy every minute of every day.

All the things I thought would be sad and difficult to give up have fallen easily away, and I don’t even miss them. My heart feels so full of joy I am always singing these days.  I never feel lonely – because really I was lonely for many, many, many long years, and was not just lonely, but also trapped. I felt like I lived always through a cage, and it was a golden cage –  I was happy in a way, once I had gotten used to it, but now that the door is opened and I’ve flown out into the blue,  and now I feel like I have remembered how to use my wings and soar through the golden air. I finally feel alive again and awake to life, and the joy of that awakening shines so brightly there is no room for anything else.

Now I am trying to find a way to make it in the world. I have received no meaningful financial support for seven months. It has so depleted my family financially that my father is coming out of retirement to help me and my children while we get settled in, and I am searching for work.

I have my market garden I’ve been getting going, but things like that take time to get established, and my children and animals need things now.  We are heading into winter, not just real winter, but also financial winter as well, and I am remembering that quiet, inward feeling of low resources.  It feels like one of those crossroads again in life, where you stop and have to choose your path without really knowing where any of them lead. An adventure indeed!

I made this recipe for a little gathering of friends that came together to bring me welcome and cheer in my new home a couple of weeks ago, and it was very popular. I love how persimmons have the perfect sweetness and consistency for a sauce!

FOR THE SAUCE

10 ripe persimmons,  so ripe they are very soft

1 onion

10 small peppers (hot or sweet)

1/2 teaspoon smoked salt

1 teaspoon chili powder

1-2 tablespoons white wine or apple cider vinegar (depending on how tangy you like BBQ sauce to be)

1. Toast the onion and the peppers (now that I don’t have a wood stove I toast them in a dry cast iron skillet). The onion should be soft and caramelized. Roll it around while it’s roasting to cook all the sides.  Chop the onion, and peel the peppers away from the seed core.
2. Pull the tops off the persimmons and scoop the soft inside away from the skin.
3. Put the persimmon pulp, chopped onion and peppers, and all the other ingredients into a blender and blend into smooth.

FOR THE MEATBALLS

1 lb ground pork

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon garlic power

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Butter or lard for frying

1. Mix the salt, garlic and pepper into the ground meat. Form into meatballs. Fry in butter or lard until browned on the outside and cooked through.
2. Transfer to a serving dish and spoon a spoonful of the persimmon sauce on top of each meatball.